My story

I have always had a busy mind. A lot of thoughts in my head, one after another. Many at once. As a child I loved to daydream. If I wasn’t interested in what was going on around me or if I was feeling discomfort, I went inside of my head. My imagination made me feel safe and kept me entertained.

I loved my childhood. Each day was filled with so much possibility and so much to discover. I was always looking forward to what was next. It didn’t matter the challenge - nothing seemed to outweigh the excitement of life and unpredictability of what was to come.

As I got older and began to achieve some of the accomplishments I had been working towards, that possibility that life was filled with as a child slowly started to fade.

University….check….job….check….married….check….kids.…check. Now what?

Every day felt the same. I had no more goals to achieve. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know who I was. I put all of my heart and soul into my relationship first, then my kids, but forgot about myself.

My imaginative mind started to come back, but this time in a different way. Instead of imagining all of the things that were possible and that could go right, I was imagining all of the things that could go wrong. Every time a small health issue would come up, I would ruminate about it until it consumed me. This pattern went on for over 10 years. Rarely was I in the present moment. I saw life through the filter of my anxious thoughts.

In December of 2020 I had a panic attack. It was the first time I couldn’t talk myself into calming down. My body wouldn’t listen. I had no idea what was going on. The after math was almost worse than the episode. For months after I felt like I was on the verge of another panic attack. I felt like I had to constantly prevent my body from panicking. I was scared to get out of bed because I didn’t know what the day held or what my body would do. I was scared to leave the house. Scared to be alone with the kids. I didn’t know how I would get through the day. And I worried that I would never feel ‘normal’ again. It was terrifying.

Therapists were really hard to find. The doctor told me my iron was very low, but did not offer a lot of help beyond that. I was at my lowest of lows. I had to help myself. I started devouring podcasts about panic attacks and anxiety. I made a ‘safe place’ in the window nook of my room. There were many hard days. It felt like it was never going to end. But, little by little I got back out of my head and into my body. Another one followed months later, but this time I knew what to do. I had obtained a wealth of knowledge and found an incredible therapist that guided me through it.

From that point forward everything changed for me. I never wanted to feel like that again. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to live in my body and not my mind. I didn’t want to spend my precious time worrying, I wanted to spend it living.

I joined an amazing community that inspired me to dream big and figure out who I was and want I wanted. I started taking care of myself. Working out, meditating, journaling, creating a life filled with things that I love.

Slowly I started to see more of myself. Slowly my anxious thoughts returned back into feelings of possibility.

Slowly my mind quieted so I could hear my heart.

Now I see things differently. I don’t see each day being the same. I don’t see all of my goals already being achieved.

I see each day as a blank slate. I see an infinite amount of things to create. I see endless possibility.

And best of all…I see myself.

So here I am on this journey, following my curiosity and my heart. Sharing as I go in hopes my story helps someone live theirs. I’m so grateful for everyone that has helped me along the way.

xo

Connie